i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
