the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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