I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No subtext here. People are naked.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
