took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
