I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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