the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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