my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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