He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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