Your face is a jimmy john
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sober January is a disaster.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
