when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
