the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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