I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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