at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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