It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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