Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
