i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
