May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
