I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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