why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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