i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
