A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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