Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
