I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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