He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
