Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
