i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
