I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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