if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
