The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
