So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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