Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
