I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
