Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
