i think i have herpe
just one?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
