At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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