the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
