You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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