I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
PANTIES FOUND
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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