well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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