This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The Olympian is in my bed
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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