what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
