I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
