I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
