I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
