The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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