walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
