so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
