All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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