a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
