your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
