my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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