i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
