Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
