i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize