you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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